Good Friend/Bad Friend

Being self-confident and seeming self-confident are two very different things. That may feel like an obvious statement, but it’s something that I’m coming to terms with as I mature*. Considering my history of depression and low self-esteem, I have come a long way with not only feeling confident in who I am, but actually portraying that confidence to others. As a whole, I feel good about the decisions that I make, how I treat people, and the way I feel about myself. I’m satisfied with the relationships that I have and feel the growing sense of enrichment they bring to my life.

I’m happy. Period. Space space.

So why am I harboring such insecurities and guilt towards a couple of my friendships?

Background would be helpful here. Specific to one of the friendships, which is actually connected to the other as well, but for which causes more angst than the other. We’ll call that person K**. K and I met in college through a mutual group of friends. We’ve had a lot of fun, been through rough life experiences, loved, lost, been hurt, done the hurting, and all of that typical life drama, together. As we’ve gotten older and furthered our personal responsibilities with jobs, marriage, and family, we’ve grown further apart. To me it feels like a somewhat natural occurrence between friends as lives change. I still love her as much as I always did, but lack the same sense of urgency with our contact that existed in our earlier years. It doesn’t bother me that we aren’t in close contact anymore, I’m satisfied with knowing that we’ll always be friends even if we haven’t spoken for months at a time. But word on the street is, she’s not sharing that same sentiment. In fact, she’s “disappointed”. That might seem harmless, but it’s not. She’s not “disappointed” that we’re not close anymore, she’s “disappointed” that I’m not making an effort. K tends to behave in a very passive-aggressive way, which gets under my skin to the point of near-rage. I have a VERY low tolerance for p-a behavior. The way I come to discover her attitude towards me is in round-about ways. For example, through conversation with mutual friends in which she discusses me***, sending Christmas cards to everyone that we know (including my own parents, by the way) but not to us, and inviting everyone we know (at least not my parents this time) to a birthday party but not us. Despite these things, which ultimately make me angry due to their lack of maturity, I’m not displaying any higher level of maturity myself. I bought myself a ticket to the game and I plan to stay till the end, no matter how many overtimes/shout-outs there need to be in order to determine a winner. And that’s fucked up too, because unless we end up both being satisfied with the outcome, there’s no such thing as having a “winner” in this game. Deep down I feel guilty, like I am the sole member of this relationship whom is to blame for it’s descent. Like I’m throwing away all of our history, making it seem like none of it was worth anything because life changes and people grow apart and it should be no big deal. But the truth of it is, life DOES change and people DO grow apart and I don’t think it IS a huge deal, provided you have a fulfilling life.

So here we sit. She refuses to call me and I refuse to call her. How is that for maturity? I think my source for resistance stems from the fact that for the span of our relationship, I’ve always been the one to call. I always came through. And the sad thing is, most of the time it was out of fear that if I didn’t, she’d be mad at me or something. Well, enough is fucking enough. I have run out of energy for the effort that it’s taking me to continue this relationship. The problem is, I can’t seem to kick the guilt. Why do I feel so guilty about something that I feel is ultimately life taking it’s path? Why do I feel so guilty even when I’m actually quite satisfied and happy with my life?? I feel like I’ve been manipulated into feeling this way, which makes me more and more angry. I think anyone would tell me that in order to kick the guilt and subsequent anger towards the issue, I need to just confront it. But in the past with K, confrontations do not resolve the issue. I always leave them feeling worse than before. Like it’s my fault. My desired course of action would be to learn to ignore the guilt, live my life the way I like it, and when we see each other we see each other. If she wants confrontation, let her ask for it. This tactic is of course assuming that I CAN ignore the guilt, which has thus far been difficult. I'm not saying it'd be impossible, but I would need some helfpul hints on how to MAKE it possible in order to succeed.

On top of all of this crap, my personality profile is that of conflicting values. I like being the confident one, who doesn’t need to gain approval for my choices, but the sensitive side of me needs the approval. WTF am I supposed to do with that? Be confident. NO, get approval. Be confident. NO, please everyone around you no matter what. But the fact of the matter is, I’m dying for other people’s opinions on this. And I don’t even care if it’s disagreeable. Well, maybe a little, but I’m a big girl, I can take it.

Help dig me out of the proverbial personality traits conflict that I’ve dug myself into. Either that, or just blow smoke up my ass and tell me I’m right. Just don't tell me that it's because I'm Catholic. I really hate that stereotype.

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*Mature being a relative term.
**Letter contains no relevance to the actual person, whatsoever.
***Using the term "discussing" loosely, it tends to be more like bitch-about-me-behind-my-back but I’m actually attempting to be nice and objective about this situation which is getting more and more difficult as I type. Bitchiness is a downward spiral and I’m on the slide, people.