Don't Drink The Sand

Mary Poppins and her “spoonful of sugar” has nothing on the tactics used in Corporate America to ease Employee Discomfort. It’s all about balloons, donuts, and the physical presence of Executives that get us through the rough times. But the thing is, it doesn’t matter how much “cheese” is involved, Employee Discomfort will fight the good fight. It will pop those balloons, barf up the donuts, and scuff the Executive’s Cole Haan shoes. There is no such thing as Employee Comfort. It’s just a myth. Urban legend, if you will. Because no matter how festive the work environment or how functional the tools to achieve premium productivity resulting in ultimate job satisfaction, there will always be something to bitch about. It’s a never ending cycle of unhappiness. The bad times are always bad for the same reasons – no matter how much you try, The Man will always get you down. But it’s not always The Man’s fault. Don’t get me wrong, The Man is pure evil in most cases, but I refuse to let The Employee off the hook that easy. You have to rise above the power to live in neutral territory. Take the good with the good and the bad with a grain of salt. Otherwise you just won’t survive. You’re doomed to a 9-5 of unhappiness and gloom. Along with the potential of a 5-7 of pure alcoholism and drug addiction.

I have a prime example. Response to surveys conducted after employee training sessions on new software being implemented at the company are highly positive, except for one aspect: required training time. It always takes too much time out of the self-important employee’s schedule to provide the necessary instruction on the new tool being provided to help them work more efficiently. “I just love this new system, but the training just took too much time out of my busy schedule. Can’t we just learn it on our own?” Sure, that would be just fine if the prime result of self-training wasn’t the immediate refusal to accept the new tool as part of the solution to managing such high volumes of workload. Thus the reduction in the overall morale of the company. And the potential statement, “They really should have taken more time to train us on the new system.” There doesn’t seem to be a middle ground for employee satisfaction.

But there is, I’m sure of it. People just have to stop being complete and utter morons in order to find the middle ground. There’s no shortage of morons in the workplace, hence middle ground feels like just an illusion. A beautiful landscape, just ahead, that you crawl towards on your hands and knees through the sand, dying of thirst and sweating all the last nutrients out of your body, only to arrive and realize that it’s an oasis. Unless you create your own middle ground, you’ll die drinking the sand.

I’ve been choking on sand for almost 6 years. I’m ready for some fresh spring water. I think I’ll pour myself a tall glass and enjoy.